Tomorrow is Debbie's birthday. I can already feel the pressure building. It's been coming for the last several days. I am just so lost without her. I do ok for most of the time but there are still moments that I seem to forget that she is gone and it's almost like going through that first shock all over again. I did manage to get through the surgery last week. Everything looks good. Dr. King is pretty sure he found the source, he is scheduling me for another surgery sometime in the next few weeks to take out my lymph nodes, and with some radiation treatment, I should be fine. And while some of me is thankful, most of me is very disappointed that it's not the end of me. I just want to go home to Debbie!!! So far nothing or nobody has been able to help me with the pure misery of living without her. My entire being fights me every moment I'm alive. I try to find some reason to be happy about living but no matter how much I talk to myself, and how much I try to convince myself, I fall very short of the goal. I hurt inside like I've never hurt in my life. I miss her terribly. Even after five months, I am in as much pain as I ever was. I've just managed not to let everybody see it. I've figured out how to hide it away so nobody notices. I just wish I had gone with her.