View life by smiles, not by tears.
And age by great moments, not by years.
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"I’ll loan you for a little time
A child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she’s dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for Me?
She’ll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You’ll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I’ve looked this wide world over
In My search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love,
Nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take her back again ?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter her with tenderness,
We’ll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner then we planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.
Debbie was born "Debra Dee Gaskill" on August 14th 1964 in Wheatland Wyoming. Just a wonderful little bundle of joy to be shared with the world. When Debbie was about a month old, her mom would take Debbie to work with her at the gas station where Mom was a cashier. Mom would sit Debbie on the counter in her carrier and the customers would just "ooh" and "aah" over her and ask if she was for sale. Well even if she was, nobody could afford her!! Her family moved to Torrington Wyoming when Debbie was about two months old. Debbie was walking by the time she was a year old, and just had to be the center of attention everywhere she went. It was Debbie's job to keep her mom and dad on their toes until her sister Dani Leigh was born on October 3rd of 1965. The girls grew up in Torrington and attended kindergarten and their first grades of school until sometime in 1972 when they moved to Veteran Wyoming to live on the farm!!
Debbie's mom and new husband, Terry Lackey, moved the girls to a farm in Veteran Wyoming in 1972. Debbie and Dani attended school at Goshen Hole for about six and a half years. Both of the girls were cheerleaders and active in sports. They were also good achievers in their local 4-H Community Club. Debbie has TONS of awards for her sewing, her modeling, and for just plain being beautiful!! Well, I'm kidding about the awards for being beautiful, but she should have gotten awards for that!! Debbie also played the flute in the school band. She was also a great cook, which everyone was thankful for. Debbie would cook meals for the whole family at harvest time when mom and Terry were working the fields. She also learned to drive along this same time. Hey, living on a farm, everybody needs to know how to drive a truck. Terry bought the girls a mini-bike for those little errands around the farm, hence, Debbie's "Evil Knievel" days begin.
From the time Debbie met Art Hagen until I met her in 2002, Debbie's life was a mixture of all sorts of troubles. I won't cloud this page with details but I try to rest with the understanding that all of the things that happened in her life were necessary to grow her into the wonderful person that I remember. She was nothing short of one of God's own blessings, and only those who never realized it are the ones that have lost. I love you honey, and I wouldn't have missed a second of the time we did have.
Debbie and I met around Thanksgiving of 2002. We were introduced by a mutual friend, Porcia Havird. Our first evening consisted of sitting at the Skyline, listening to a lousy band, with me telling blond jokes, and Debbie laughing until she was crying. It was obvious that there was electricity of the highest voltage all around us. It was one of those times when you look into someone's eyes, and see the rest of your life there. We laughed and talked until they closed the club and ran us out. So, Waffle House, here we come. Naturally, Porcia went with us. So we jabbered and laughed all the way through Waffle House, and the three of us went to Porcia's house so we could talk some more. It was so funny. I had not laughed nor had so much fun that could ever remember before. Ever. Debbie was SO beautiful!! Her eyes were so beautiful. Her smile was totally intoxicating. And her touch,~~ Z - A - P ~~!!!, did me in. I was lost and gone forever from the moment we met. Like Kenny says in mine and Debbie's song, "She had me from Hello.". We wound up yakking until after 5:00 in the morning. I was so worn out, I fell asleep on Porcia's couch as Debbie was leaving in the early dawn. What a perfect night! What a glorious day ahead! What a wonderful time to be alive!
For mine and Debbie's first vacation, I took her to Wilmington, NC. I had lived there several years before I had met her, and somehow I just knew it would be a place she would like. Boy, was I wrong. She fell in LOVE with the place! We drove the truck and took our motorcycle along so we could do a little "exploring" while we were there. It was so funny. We spent most of the time riding around going, "Oooh! Let's plan to go there!" So even though we had a wonderful time, we really didn't go very many places or do many things because I was showing her too many things to pick from. But we sure made up for it the next year! We did go to the Arboretum for the first time, and it was almost magical for Debbie. They had a Zen Garden. They had a Tea House. They had a Children's Garden complete with a playhouse! I do not remember another time in my life that I have ever seen such wonder in someone's eyes. Debbie was completely at home there. We lost track of time and wound up spending most of the day wandering from garden to garden, talking, holding hands, just being together. If we could have possibly lived in the playhouse of that Children's Garden, I know without a doubt that Debbie would have moved right in that very day and we would still be living there today. I can honestly say that it was the one place on earth that she and I were kids again. We would walk into that place, and we were six years old. Time didn't exist. Nothing outside of the gardens even existed. All the world held was Debbie and I, and we were one.
For Debbie's birthday, I had planned a surprise party for her at Ruby Tuesdays. I had spent several days talking to friends, and calling people she hadn't seen in a while, and trying not to get caught. Finally, everything looked like it might work. When her birthday finally came, it was a gloomy overcast day, and by the time I got home from work, the weather looked pretty rough. Plus, Debbie wasn't feeling too well, and the birthday thing was looking bad. Well, I managed to suggest that we go out to eat, and after a little convincing, Debbie agreed. So Debbie gets dressed. In jeans and an old shirt, since it was so gloomy. I had to talk her into changing into something nice because "it's your birthday!" So she changed clothes. A very pretty dress that I had bought her for her birthday, and had given to her earlier. So finally we're all dressed, and looking good. We get in the car, and start for the restaurant, and no sooner than we get out of the driveway, it's starts to rain. Within a couple of miles, it's really raining. A couple more miles, and it's REALLY REALLY raining. Plus, now the wind is getting up. Well, another mile or two, and we're in the middle of a summer storm! Dark cloudy, pouring rain, heavy wind, woof! Debbie's going, "It looks like we're not supposed to enjoy this birthday. Maybe we should just go home." But I wasn't going to let a little thing like a storm ruin my plans. So I gave her the talk about how it was just the devil trying to get in our way, and that we would go eat anyway just to prove to him that he couldn't win. So we finally get to Ruby Tuesdays. By the time we got there, the rain had pretty much quit, and the wind had died down, so things were looking a little better. We walked in, and the hostess asked us about our table. I told her we were meeting a friend. Debbie's little eyes perked up and she said,"We are?" I told her yes and when we rounded the corner to the table area, everybody jumped up and started singing Happy Birthday. There is no way I can put into words what was going on with Debbie's face, and her expressions. She was totally amazed and about as surprised as I have ever seen a person. We had a wonderful dinner. Her friends had brought gifts, we had cake and ice cream, and just had a wonderful time. On the way home, Debbie told me that it was her first ever surprise birthday party. As a matter of fact, it was her first surprise party for any reason. I remember listening to her, and I remember how much it meant to her, and I know how good it felt in her heart to know that somebody else actually thought of her. Looking back, I remember telling myself, that this was only the first surprise I would have for her. Another glorious day!!
Christmas is a time of year when the true spirit of the season is "giving". In keeping with that, my "big" gift to Debbie this year, was to fly her to Prescott Arizona, to spend Christmas with her mom and her sister Dani. Plus, that gave me time to put together a very special Christmas for the two of us when she got back. I can only imagine what goes on when you get three crazy people like Mom and Debbie and Dani together, but let me tell you, from the stories Debbie told and the pictures she brought back, it was indeed a "big" gift. It had been a long time since she had seen either of her mom or Dani and they must have played the whole time. Dani brought her son, "Little Larry", and I think it was the first time Debbie had seen him. I know Debbie must have told me how much she appreciated that trip over a thousand times it seems, but she never had to say anything more than once. The look in her eyes and the tone in her voice let me know right away that it was a very very good thing to have done.
I have to say that as Debbie and I continued to grow in our relationship, and in our love, I began to learn things about her and her life. I was shocked at some of the hardships she had endured at the hands of others, some seeming so horrible, so incomprehensible, that I just could not understand how one person was supposed to endure it all. I was also shocked at how little people had done in her life to make her feel special, or even to show they cared at all. So I made it my quest to listen intently to her every word, her every thought. I made mental notes, I remembered the things she said, and I remembered the way it all made me feel. I made it my goal to make sure that she knew how much I loved her. Flowers for no apparent reason. Cards and little notes that sprang up from nowhere. I made sure that every trip, every chance, that I would find some way to include some new experience for her, or some special way to show her just how wonderful she really was. I honestly feel, looking back, that she felt a happiness with me that she had not known before. I know I felt it with her. There was never a single time that I pulled some surprise, some little something, that didn't bring just a small tear to her eyes just by realizing that somebody actually cared for her. My deepest sorrow in my life is the loss of my love. Not so much for what she gave to me, but more for all the things I wanted to share with her that I'll never be able to now. I love you sweetheart.
We went back to Wilmington for our vacation again this spring. Only this time, we did it right. We trailered the bike up again, only this time, we went up on Friday after I got off work, and stayed for eleven glorious days of just being with my girl. And I made sure that we didn't miss a thing this time. We went walking on the beach under the moonlight. We went riding. We went exploring. We ate. We went to the piers. We did just about everything imaginable.
We rode the bike down to Fort Fisher and took the ferry over to Southport. Debbie had never rode a ferry before. There goes that "little girl" thing again. I remember, like it was yesterday, Debbie feeding the seagulls. They would fly along behind the ferry looking for "handouts", and the vending machine had slices of bread you could get for 10 cents. Debbie got a slice and ran to the back of the ferry. Well, in her haste to feed the seagulls, she fumbled with the bread for just a moment and a sneaky gull flew up and took the whole slice right out of her hand! Her whole face melted. She looked so sad at that moment I just had to hug her. We got another slice of bread and this time, I helped. At least at first. She put a small piece of bread in her little hand and held it up. Then, as the seagulls are flying along nibbling at the bread, she was reaching up with her other hand, PETTING THEM, as they flew along. She got so excited that she was jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear, and just squealing! God, she was so happy at that moment. All I can remember, is that the more she laughed, the more I knew I loved her. Such an innocent little child. Such a glorious spirit.
We got off in Southport and rode the bike into town. We poked around for a while there and decided to ride on a little farther to Old Town. It was an old fort from the Civil War era that you can tour. Well, naturally we got caught in a rain storm! Not much of one, but we got a little wet. By the time we finished the day's playing and got back to David's, we were worn out. What a day.
We spent most of the next day at the Arboretum. That was the year that we took the pictures of her that are here on her page. I honestly believe that Debbie was the happiest I have ever seen her during that time of our life. We walked. We talked. We made wishes and promises and grew more and more in love with every step we took. We got caught in the Teahouse in a rainstorm for about 45 minutes which gave us some time to just sit and talk. Debbie would tell me stories about being in Korea and how the Teahouse was so similar to the "house" they lived in there. After the rain, we played in the Zen Garden for a while. On to the water gardens, on to the potting shed. But let me tell you, when we got to the Children's Garden, Debbie was home. Every care she had, every trouble in her mind, just vanished when we got there. It was as if some great hand just reached down and lifted every weight, every care, right away. We even had our own tea party. Just the two of us. What a beautiful place.
The rest of the week went pretty much the same. We laughed, and played, and went everywhere. We ate junk food, and ice cream, and Britt's donuts. Let me tell you, Debbie loved Britt's donuts. Britt's is a little mom and pop place at Carolina Beach that still makes homemade donuts and they are EXCELLENT. Needless to say, it was another magical time for us.
Debbie and I always enjoyed running away every chance we got, so In February of this year, we bought an old Dodge van. Kinda rickety and wobbly but nevertheless full of potential. I completely gutted the inside and built in a full size bed, storage, stereo, lights, heat, air conditioning, and reupholstered the entire inside. It was our own little home away from home and just the perfect size. Well, our first trip was to Williamsburg Virginia to see Busch Gardens, via Wilmington (of course!), and Raleigh on the way back. Eight days of me and my girl. Playing. We drove to Wilmington first and spent two days there. Naturally, we went to the arboretum. We took the coastal highway from there to Williamsburg instead of the interstate. Back roads, small towns, ferries, little mom and pop food stands. It was awesome. One of the ferry rides was almost two hours. Debbie and I went up to the top deck and just sat under the most beautiful sky. We talked and I started telling her jokes again. It was kind of chilly so we were sitting close, holding each other, and she was laughing so hard we almost fell off of the bench. It's a moment that I'll never forget. Never. We went on the Williamsburg and got there pretty late the next night. It wasn't that far away, we just weren't in any hurry. We would just drive and stop and eat or shop or whatever we chose when we wanted to. Sometimes we would just pull over to take a nap. We spent two days at Busch Gardens. Of course we toured the brewery and had beer. Fresh beer. Just made beer. But they would only let you have one. We rode every big ride they had at the theme park, some several times. They weren't very busy because the official season had not started so the crowds were small. The highlight was a small 3-D theater they had there. You had to wear the funny glasses of course. There were places to stand with little rails to hold on to so we grabbed one and got ready. Debbie was chilly when we went in so she stood in front of me, after she had unzipped my coat and snuggled inside, and I had reached around her and grabbed the rail so she didn't have to hold on. We really didn't expect much because we had never been in a 3-D theater before but the next thing you know, the show starts. Well, it's a story about a group of about four 8 to 10 year old kids that get shrunk by a witch. Small enough to fit in a small box that would fit in your pocket. Our "view" was that of one of the kids that was shrunken, so we were "in the box" so to speak. Well, the floor would drop, and tilt, and shake, and all sorts of things depending on what was happening on screen. It was awesome! Somebody would grab the box and run with it, or somebody would pick it up and throw it and a bird would catch us in mid air and fly away with us. Once we were in a guys pocket that jumped off of a cliff onto the back of a flying horse that obviously didn't want to be ridden. Debbie was screaming and laughing and jumping up and down and it was just about all I could do to hold on to the rail so we didn't go sliding across the floor. The show lasted about twenty minutes and by the time it was over, I was worn out. We had to get a drink and sit down to rest. I'll bet we sat and talked about that thing for an hour. We talked about it several times since. Needless to say, it was a small blessing we had the chance to share. We went to Raleigh on the way back south and spent three days with my sister and her family. Even though we were with family, Debbie and I continued to stay in the van. It was comfortable, it was quiet, and it was our space. By the time we got home, we had stress tested the van pretty good. We were very pleased and now that we had the van road ready and tested, it was only the first of several magic trips we took in it.
I'm still adding to Debbie's life story as I get time to do so, so please bear with me as I go.
Debra D. Gaskill, 42, of Lexington, SC, died peacefully March 13th, 2007, at the Lexington Medical Center in West Columbia, SC. Debra was born in Wheatland, Wyoming, on August 14th, 1964 to Danny and Marilyn (Smedley) Gaskill. She attended school at Veteran, WY, before a family move to Rapid City, South Dakota. She had been a resident of the Lexington and Columbia area for several years.
Debra is survived by her mother, Marilyn Smedley, of Prescott, Arizona, her sister Dani Leigh Mundy and Dani’s family, of North Highlands, California, her former step-father, Terry Lackey, of Casper, Wyoming, her special friend and fiancé, James Grainger, of Lexington, South Carolina, her Aunt Jan (Debbie’s spirit sister) and Uncle Jim Peugh and family, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, and her Aunt Shirley and Uncle Wendell Grapes and family of Torrington and Casper, Wyoming.
Debra was preceded in death by her father in 1972, her grandparents Gaskill, Horton, and Frasier, as well as her step-father, Orda Smedley of Prescott, Arizona.
Debra was a true blessing in every life she touched and will be terribly missed by everyone who knew her.
Visitation for Debra will be at Thompson Funeral Home of Lexington, SC, on Thursday, April 5th, 2007, from 6:00 until 8:00 pm.
In memory of Debbie’s spirit,
View life by smiles, not by tears.
And age by great moments, not by years.
We love you Debbie.
In holding to what I believe to be what Debbie would have wanted, I had her body cremated after she passed away. I know that much she wanted, and we agreed on. She had always said that she wanted her ashes scattered off the back of our motorcycle at 130 miles per hour, but I never really thought that to be reasonable, and we had never agreed on where we would be laid to rest. We just never got that far, never thought about either of us dying just yet. I know from experience that the Children's Garden at the Arboretum in Wilmington, NC, was one of Debbie's favorite places, if not her most favorite place on earth, next to being in each other's arms. So, without her input, I decided to spread her ashes in the flowerbeds around the Children's Garden. I know she is happy there, and will be even happier when my time comes to join her. My sister, Pat, my brother-in-law, Al, and my nephew, David, went with me to pay Debbie's last rites, and see her off on her journey. We love you honey.
Spoken by Al Flowers at the Children's Garden as we spread Debbie's ashes.
Be Free, Be Strong, Be Proud, by: Sherri Weinberg
Be free, be strong, and be proud of who you have been. Know that you will be mourned and missed; that no one can replace you, that you have been loved and are beloved. Move now beyond form, flowing like water, feeding the sunlight and the moonlight, radiant as the stars in the night sky. Pass through the gates, enter without fear, and rest until we meet again. Go in peace, beloved Debbie, travel safely with our love into the mystery of God.
Followed by this prayer, also by Al Flowers, at the Children's Garden:
Our gracious and loving heavenly Father, be with us as we gather to celebrate and give thanks for the life and memories of our beloved Debbie. We come with just our thoughts and memories, and a few scant remains. Help us to remember the good times with thanksgiving and fade the hardships quickly in our hearts and minds. We give thanks that for Debbie, the difficulties of this life are over and that she is safe in your loving care. At this time when our sense of loss is great and our feelings raw, surround us with your love and strength. May we continue our lives with courage and hope for the future and may the peace and love of God be with us until we are joined together again in eternity. Amen
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not here to see..
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
Filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you.
And each time that you think of me,
Just know I miss you too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That Jesus came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.
He said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind,
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet left to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you".
The day for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand now
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.
Enya - If I Could Be Where You Are
Where are you this moment
Only in my dreams
You're missing, but you're always
a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you.
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching,
I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart.
Is there a way I can find you?
Is there a sign I should know?
Is there a road I could follow,
to bring you back home?
Winter lies before me,
Now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay.
If I could be close beside you,
If I could be where you are,
If I could reach out and touch you,
And bring you back home.
Is there a way I can find you?
Is there a sign I should know?
Is there a road I could follow,
to bring you back home?
To me...
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face.
I hear you laughing in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair you died too young,
Like a story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you.
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place.
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you.
And I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair you died too young,
Like a story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you.
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place.
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again someday.
Someday,
Someday
Just a note from me to you honey. I love you. You know that. And I miss you so much that life just isn't the same any more. There's no sunshine, no flowers. Nothing to bring a smile to me any more. I take each breath wanting to be with you, and can only realize that I'm not. As much as I know I could never take my life to be with you, I ask death not to tarry long, but to bring me to you quickly. Wait for me my love, I'll be along as soon as my work here is done.
Debbie was born on August 14, 1964 in Wheatland Wyoming to Marilyn Frasier and Danny Franklin Gaskill. Her family moved to Torrington Wyoming in October 0f 1964.
Debbie's sister Dani Leigh is born in Torrington Wyoming.
Debbie attended kindergarten and 1st and 2nd grades in Torrington Wyoming.
Debbie's Mom marries Terry Lackey. The family moves to Veteran Wyoming and buys a farm.
Debbie's parents sell the farm and move to Rapid City, South Dakota.
Debbie marries Art Hagen in Rapid City, South Dakota. She was fifteen.
Debbie's only child Kevin Allen Hagen is born. Exactly nine months from the wedding. She was sixteen.
Debbie is shot.
Debbie endures a three day bus ride to Casper Wyoming to see her Mom only to have an emergency appendectomy when she gets there.
Debbie married Randall LaDean Busbee in Laurel Hill, Florida on April 19th, 1994.
Debbie and James meet. They were introduced to each other by Porcia Havird, a close friend of Debbie's.
Debbie divorces Randy.
Debbie and James commit to each other and start their journey through life together.
Debbie passes away and becomes God's favorite angel.
It's a hard time of year. I'm in the middle of living through the one year anniversaries of the horrors of last year. It starts in late February. The tears, the feelings of such absolute loss, the longing for my honey's arms, to see her smiling eyes once more, the smell of her hair. She had so much living yet to do. But then life for her wasn't like life for us. Challenge after challenge. Hardship after hardship. The part that hurts the most is that my love for her just wasn't enough. I couldn't overcome the demons that chased her every day of her life. I couldn't chase away her fears. I couldn't protect her in the dark. At first I thought that God had made a really big mistake. That he should have taken me instead and let her laugh and smile and live just a little longer. How could He do something like this? But I have come to realize that for Debbie, it is a reward. She had suffered enough at the hands of man. It was time for her true protector to take charge. For the longest time, I mourned for Debbie's loss, that she wouldn't see any more flowers, no sunsets, no butterflies. But it finally came to me that she sees all of those things and more. Much much more. Things that I can't even comprehend yet. Even though she isn't here any more, she is all around me. She's everywhere I go, and everywhere I am. She lives in me, and she always will. I love you honey. I'll see you when I get home.
I lot has happened since my last entry. I've had tonsil surgery, I've had neck surgery, I've had all of my teeth taken out and am learning to live with dentures, I have started radiation treatment on my neck and I'm taking physical therapy for my shoulder. It might sound like a lot, and sometimes it distracts me for a while, but I ultimately wind up right back where I started. I miss Debbie so bad that it eclipses anything and everything else that happens in my life. I hate being alive. I still want so badly to be with her, even at the cost of my so called life.
Tomorrow is Debbie's birthday. I can already feel the pressure building. It's been coming for the last several days. I am just so lost without her. I do ok for most of the time but there are still moments that I seem to forget that she is gone and it's almost like going through that first shock all over again. I did manage to get through the surgery last week. Everything looks good. Dr. King is pretty sure he found the source, he is scheduling me for another surgery sometime in the next few weeks to take out my lymph nodes, and with some radiation treatment, I should be fine. And while some of me is thankful, most of me is very disappointed that it's not the end of me. I just want to go home to Debbie!!! So far nothing or nobody has been able to help me with the pure misery of living without her. My entire being fights me every moment I'm alive. I try to find some reason to be happy about living but no matter how much I talk to myself, and how much I try to convince myself, I fall very short of the goal. I hurt inside like I've never hurt in my life. I miss her terribly. Even after five months, I am in as much pain as I ever was. I've just managed not to let everybody see it. I've figured out how to hide it away so nobody notices. I just wish I had gone with her.
Well, it's official. I have cancer. Squamous cell cancer in the lymph nodes in my neck. I had lunch at the chinese buffet today. The one on Two Notch where Debbie and I liked to eat. I got a fortune cookie, in her memory, as I always do. They never seem to say much, and usually what they do say doesn't seem to mean much as far as making any sense of anything. I always try to look for some sign from Debbie in them, some message, some something. Today's message was a little different. It said," All things have an end." And the "word" to learn was "good". I'm still working on what it could mean, but I'm sure it is a message of some kind. I went on to my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and that's when they told me about the cancer. It's affected my lymph nodes in the left side of my neck, two or three of them so far. The doctors think it may have originated in my left tonsil but they just don't know yet. I have a CT scan this afternoon, and they have me scheduled for a surgery next Thursday. They also are pretty insistent that I see a psychiatrist. I guess they want to be sure my mindset is ok after Debbie passed away. To be honest, I don't know where my feelings are. I want so badly to go be with her. So badly. And I don't know whether to see this as a blessing to take me to her, or just another stumbling block in life. I'll just have to give it some time and see where it goes. One thing for sure, whatever the outcome will be is what the outcome will be. Not my decision. All I can do is give it to God, and trust that he'll take care of me and help me through whatever it is I'm supposed to do here.
Today is Sunday. I've been working on Debbie's page for a while now and finally feel like I'm getting some things in place. It surprises me that there are times that I can come here and spend time with her and things seem to be calm and peaceful. Then there are times that I just can't bear the thought that she's gone and I crumble. I miss you honey, and I love you very much.
I'm finally getting some things on the page. I got a letter from Mom and a letter from Debbie's Aunt Shirley so I have a few scattered dates and things here and there but at least some of the pieces are starting to fall in place. I decided to just stay here with Debbie's page. I requested a refund from Godaddy and plan to use that money to make this page an eternal one.
I started to build this tribute to Debbie today. She's been gone over three months now and still I have trouble believing it. I have been trying so hard to build a web page for her on my own but it's been a lot harder than I would have thought. So here I am, putting things here until I can do what I want on her page.